Is Porn Norm?
by George C. Scipione
Who Owns the Children of Divorce?
by George C. Scipione
The Biblical Ethics of Transsexual Operations
by George C. Scipione
Counseling Those Habituated to Cybersex
by Jim Newheiser
What do you do when anger gets the upper hand?
by Jay E. Adams
One Woman - An Entire Nation
The Story of Sung Yol Shin
by Elyse Fitzpatrick
The Tenderness Trap
by Jim Newheiser
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"Thank you for sending your question about your husband's interest in cybersex. Please look up the verses that I use in my answer because the only authority I have is from the Word of God.
This problem can only be understood in light of God's design for marriage and sex.
Marriage is a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman. The sexual union between a husband and wife is a seal of that covenant, an expression of their oneness (Gen. 2:24). They are to find delight in one another (Pro. 5:18-19; S. of S. 1:2, 13-16; 7:1-10; 4:1-7; 5:10-16; Heb. 13:4).
God's intent is that all of a person's sexual energy be directed to his/her spouse. The husband's body is not his own, but belongs to his wife and his body and sexual energy is to be used not primarily to seek self-gratification, but to bring happiness to his wife (1 Cor 7:4). The only female body he is to find delight in is that of his wife. Job made a "covenant with his eyes" not even to look at another woman.
Jesus teaches that lust is adulterous (Matt. 5:27-28). This is because it is the expression of sexual energy outside of marriage. It is a violation of the marriage covenant. It is the use of one's sexuality for self-gratification, rather than for the gratification of one's wife. Even through pornography or cybersex it is bringing others (two-dimensional prostitutes) into the marriage bed. The human heart is so deceitful it tries to justify every kind of evil.
Your husband is deceived if he thinks that he can engage in this kind of sin without consequence. sexual sin affects many relationships: 1) It affects your husband's relationship with God (Ps. 51:4; 32:3-4; 1Cor 6:15-20). Sin breaks fellowship with God. Sexual sin is PRIMARILY against God (even more than the wife.) 2) It affects his relationship with you. He violates the marriage covenant and defrauds (robs) you of your right to be the object of all his sexual attention. It also affects his attitude towards sex: creating unrealistic fantasies and causing him to look upon his wife as a means of gaining self-gratification, rather than seeking to express his lifelong love to her. It demeans and breaks trust. 3) It affects his children, who may be influenced by his lack of moral leadership. 4) It will affect him personally: making him miserable (Ps. 32:3-4), and most likely leading to other sin (James 1:14-15). Sin conceived gives birth to death. Sin is never satisfied, it always wants more and more. Ultimately, it will lead to discipline/judgment from God (Pr. 6:25-35; 5:21-23; 7:22-27; Num. 32:23; 1 Cor. 6:9-10).
You did not tell me whether your husband is a Christian. If he is, you should initiate the process in Matthew 18:15-18. Confront him with his actions and the Word of God. You should go gently with the motive of helping to restore him (not to vent your own frustration: Gal. 6:1-2). If he is repentant, I believe that he should seek help/accountability from a godly man (preferably a leader in your church.) He may need to take radical steps in order to avoid temptation (Matt. 5:29-20; Rom. 13:14; 2 Tim 2:22). Such steps could include cutting off the internet, or installing a filter of some kind. In addition to "putting off" lust, he should also "put on" investing in your marriage relationship (including the romantic and sexual aspects). See Proverbs 5:7-23. A man should find sweetness in drinking from his own well. You, as his wife, should seek to bring your husband happiness in every area of your marriage.
If your husband claims to be a Christian, but will not repent, then you should go to the leaders of your church who should accompany you as you confront him again (Matt. 18:16).
If your husband is not a believer, you still should confront him with his violations of your marriage covenant. If he will not listen to you, seek personal counsel from the leaders of your church.
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But you can.
"I can't."
Can.
"Can't."
Can.
"Then tell me how!"
Certainly, that's what I wanted you to ask in the first place. Like many others, you have bought the false line that under certain circumstances you are totally unable to control your temper. That is false, I say, because the Bible assures us that if you know Jesus Christ as your Savior, you can. God calls upon you to do just that: "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but the wise man, holding it back quiets it" (Proverbs 29:11).
"But that's just my problem; I can't hold it back and quiet it."
When you say can't, what you really mean is you don't or won't. You may have convinced yourself that you can't,
but that doesn't change the facts. You can; God says so.
"Well, if you knew how hard it is for me to do so, I think that you might change your mind. You don't know
how many times I have tried to hold it back, but in the end, I blow off anyway. You don't know the situation."
I think I do, and I still maintain that can't is the wrong word to describe the situation. Take Joan, for example.
She complained that she lost her temper whenever she became exasperated with her children, and the frequency of
those occasions was increasing. At times she blew off like Mt. Vesuvius. Ashes and sparks went everywhere. Well,
Joan. . .
"I can identify with Joan!"
Good, I thought that you could, because when she came for counseling, she too said that she thought it was impossible
to restrain her anger. She argued with me much the same way that you have. Then I said "Joan, let me describe
a typical situation, and then tell me if it fits. Suppose it is late in the afternoon on a rainy day when everything
has gone wrong. You got your period today, the pot boiled over on the stove, your three preschoolers have been
cooped up inside all day long, and. . . (well, you fill in the additional details). Now, let us further suppose
that the kids get into a scrap complete with fistfights, whining and all of the rest for the umpteenth time. You
have tried, but this is it, you restrain your anger no longer. Instead, over some slight provocation, in a burst
of volcanic activity, you errupt. Lava-like, words pour out. Fire and ash spout forth in all directions. Debris
is everywhere. Kids are diving under tables, hiding in closets. It is a real spectacular. Now, in the midst of
all of this, the phone rings. On the other end is Mrs. Green, head of the local gossip society. She is the very
last person that you would want to hear you carrying on like this. So. .. what do you do? Well, you sweetly say
to her 'Oh, hello, Mrs. Green, it is so nice to hear from you... etc.' What have you done? Controlled your temper!"
At this point Joan broke in: "That very thing happened just last week."
"It has happened to me too."
Well, then, you see, both Joan and you can control your temper when you really want to, when you are highly enough
motivated to do so, and when you make a strong effort of the right sort. The problem is that you have learned not
to bother to control your temper in certain circumstances with certain persons. But you have learned to control
your temper in situations where you thought that you could not get away with such outbursts.
"I guess you are right."
This little vignette illustrates an all-too-common problem. Men and women -- truly Christian men and women -- learn
to let go of their temper in the presence of members of the family, even though they have learned to control
them before others. Husbands who give their wives severe tongue-lashings at least fort-nightly become even tempered
sweetness and light personified at work and in dozens of social situations. The reason, of course, is that (as
the italics indicate) they have learned to do either one or the other. And, because this is a matter of
learned behavior, there is hope for change. What has been learned can be unlearned, as a new way of responding
that is pleasing to God is relearned to take its place. Moreover, the fact that you have learned to control your
temper in any situation at all shows that you can learn to do so. That means that you can learn to do so at home.
Isn't it strange, businessman, that you think it more important to control your temper with your boss than with
your wife? "But I would lose my job if I lost my temper at work," you may protest. Exactly. You probably
would. But you see, reasoning that way only shows how poorly you conceive of life's priorities. Because the money
that you make at your job is a more tangible, immediate reality, you therefore give the job higher priority. Yet,
your relationship to your wife and to the Lord is a far higher priority. You are damaging those relationships too.
Because God and your wife love you, you think that you can get away with abusing them both with your language.
But you can't. Your fellowship with both is hindered. God has written: "Husbands, love your wives and do not
be embittered against them" (Colossians 3:19). Uncontrolled temper is never acceptable. It is sin. It is sin
in the home as well as anywhere else. The fact that your wife puts up with you longer than your boss, does not
change the truth of that judgment. So, if it is sin, it must stop. And, as we have seen, it can be stopped. God
Himself has said that He will help you to "put away all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor" (Ephesians
4:31).
"How? I have tried everything, but nothing has worked."
Well, it is clear that you have not tried everything; you have not tried God's way. It never fails. Before we get
to the ways and means of putting off sinful patterns of manifesting your anger that are clearly set forth in the
Bible, let us look at the other way in which many people sinfully handle their anger. Instead of blowing off, they
clam up. They do a slow burn. They hold it in and allow it to pile up and to crystallize. They grow bitter and
resentful, day after day rehearsing old grievances, licking old wounds. When the Bible speaks of holding back anger,
it does not suggest clamming up and becoming resentful as the alternative. Holding back a sinful expression of
anger differs from holding it in. Indeed, holding it in is the other sinful extreme which also is condemned by
God: "Be angry, but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger" (Ephesians 4:26). The answer
to loss of control of temper is not resentment, just as the answer to resentment can never be flying off the handle.
The person who holds in his anger and stores it up, sins just as surely as the one who does the Mt. Vesuvius.
"What then is the solution to the problem of sinful anger? On the one hand you say that the Bible condemns
the ventilation of anger, but on the other hand you insist that anger must not be held in. Doesn't that leave us
with only one conclusion -- that it is always sinful to be angry at all?"
No, that is not the only way to go. While it is true that both of the manifestations of anger that we have talked
about are condemned by the Bible, it does not follow that all anger is sinful. Indeed, in the passage just cited
from Ephesians 4:26, notice that Paul says we must not sin when we are angry by clamming up and letting the sun
go down on that anger. It is clear from the words, "be angry, but do not sin" that all anger is not sinful
in and of itself. Anger, like every other emotion that God has given us, is a proper and useful emotion when it
is expressed in a manner that is consistent with the principles of the Scriptures and used for the purposes that
God has set forth in that Book. As a matter of fact, that anger may even reflect the anger of God Himself under
such circumstances. Verses like Psalm 7:11 (God is "angry with the wicked every day") and Mark 3:5 (Jesus
"looking around at them with anger" ) give us a certain indication that there is such a thing as righteous
anger.
Let us try to understand what is wrong with the two sorts of anger that God condemns and what the biblical alternative
to such manifestations of anger is. First notice, neither one of the alternatives examined so far solves any problems.
Both, instead, create new and worse ones. Anger is a powerful motivating force that is intended to drive one to
destroy something. But, the difficulty is, God has not given us the right to destroy other people or to destroy
our own bodies. Ventilation of anger is aimed at destroying others (or handy and symbolic objects around one).
Internalization (unintentionally, but nevertheless, surely) is aimed at destroying ourselves. Blowing up at people
and things, as one vents his spleen, truly releases the energies of anger, but in ways that do not really solve
the problem that occasioned the anger in the first place. Instead, these energies released out of control and in
ways calculated to hurt others, only do more damage. Clamming up, holding anger in, releases the energies of anger
within one's body. These energies, intended to motivate one to do the right sorts of things to solve the problem
that occasioned the anger, instead are misdirected toward one's own body and result in tension, colitis, ulcers
or other such miseries.
Diagrammatically, let me try to show you how these actions fail to achieve the purposes for which God put anger
into man's emotional makeup.
Notice how the energies mobilized by anger are misdirected. While in both instances they are released, these
powerful energies fail to meet the problem. In contrast, listen to the important words of Ephesians
4:29:
- Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for building up, aimed at the problem that has arisen, that it may give help to those who hear [my own translation].
You see, our words to others -- even when they have wronged us -- must be words that build them up and that give
them help; never words that destroy them. Such destruction of others is a prerogative that belongs not to us, but
to God (read Romans 12:18-21). But of greater importance for our present discussion is the fact that the words
spoken out of anger (and that is what the context is talking about) must be directed toward destroying the problem,
not toward destroying the person. Psychiatrists and others sometimes make the mistake of recommending pendulum
thinking and acting. If someone has been holding in anger, they may recommend ventilating it towards others, toward
a pillow symbolizing others, etc. But this is wrong, biblically. It fails, because even though the energy is released
in a new way, the new way is out of accord with God's Word and therefore just as wrong, as wasteful and as counterproductive
as the first. It is a matter of exchanging one sinful pattern for another. Moreover, you can see how this type
of swing still leaves the problem untouched.
In pursuing either of these pendulum swings, as you arc from one extreme to the other, you move past the biblical
middle and fail to release the energies mobilized by anger in a constructive way that will destroy the problem
and strengthen the relationship one has with others, and with God.
Now, in contrast to both of these schemes, let us look at the biblical alternative: Aim all of your energies at
solving the problem God's way.
If your problem has been ventilation, outbursts of temper, blowing up (Diagram A), rather than swinging past the biblical middle over toward Internalization, you must ask God to help you to hold back rather than hold in your anger. That is, you must learn how to release anger under control. If your problem has been internalization, holding anger in, clamming up (Diagram B), rather than swinging past the biblical middle over toward Ventilation, you must ask God to help you to release rather than hold in your anger. That is, you must learn how to release anger under control. When you do, the diagram will look something like this:
Only in this way can you gain control of this powerful and important force in your life. Anger, like a good
horse, must be bridled. By his grace, God will help you to gain control of your anger so that you may use it for
His honor if you try to follow the biblical directions about anger taught in these Scriptures. You do not have
to make the change in your own strength, because as you prayerfully seek to follow the guidance of the Bible, the
Spirit of God will enable you to do so. That you can depend upon if.
"I thought that there must be a catch somewhere."
Yes, there is one, but only one. All this God promises to you IF YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN, but the promise is not yours
if you are not. A Christian is someone who has learned that he is a sinner condemned before God because he has
broken the laws of God. He has discovered that he cannot do anything about this himself, but he has come to see
that God has done for him all that he could not do. Christ came to die in his place, taking the punishment for
his sins. Thus, He has paid the penalty for the broken laws. Moreover, because God is sinless and because heaven
is a perfectly holy place, Jesus has lived a perfect life in his stead. Just as all of his sin was taken upon Christ
as his Substitute, so all of the righteousness of Christ has been counted as his. And all of this took place when
he understood this message and believed it (that is, put his dependence upon what Christ did for him in His death
and resurrection). The very moment that he believed, his sins were forgiven and he was declared holy in the sight
of God. That is what a Christian is.
Let me ask you, are you a Christian? If you are not, then let me urge you not to try to deal with the problem of
anger first. Put first things first. Take a hard look at your life, recognize your sin (the anger is a good place
to begin) and your need of a Savior. If God is showing you this, then trust Jesus right now.
Christian, while the basic dynamic for handling anger God's way has been spelled out for you, it is likely that
you may need help in restructuring the particulars in your own situation. If so, seek the counsel of the person
who gave this pamphlet to you, write to the contact point listed below or read, Chapter 31 of The Christian Counselor's
Manual by Jay Adams, The Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., Box 817, Phillipsburg, New Jersey 08865.
In addition to the above pamphlet on anger, Dr. Adams has written other helpful pamphlets including
- What do you do when you worry all the time?
- What do you do when your mariage goes sour?
- What do you do when you know that you're hooked?
- What do you do when fear overcomes you?
- What do you do when you become depressed?
These titles may be purchased at your local Christian bookstore.
Copyright 1975 by Jay F. Adams
ISBN: 0-87552-044-8
Sung Yol Shin was excited about her first counseling case in Pusan, South Korea. She had traveled to San Diego in 1989 to receive training in biblical counseling from IBCD. However, she couldn't have imagined what she would encounter in her first opportunity to counsel back in her homeland. Nor could she have imagined how God was going to use her to help not only her counselees, but her entire country.
An Unexpected Turn of Events
Sitting before her on that day was a woman whose face had been badly burned when her husband hit her with a boiling pressure cooker. Shocked and outraged at this brutality and overwhelmed with compassion for this woman, Mrs. Shin realized that God was calling her to a different ministry than the one she had planned - a ministry to the battered women of South Korea.
As she struggled to find a source of help for battered women, she discovered that there were no shelters or crisis centers for battered women in all of Pusan, a city of 3 million people. Incredibly, it wasn't even against the law for husbands to abuse their wives, a practice common even among Christians.
The Ministry Grows
In the beginning of 1990, God's love and compassion moved Sung Yol Shin to open the Pusan Women's Hotline with
borrowed money. Within two years, she opened the Pusan Women's Shelter and this year, she rented all three stories
of the building. The first floor is used for counseling, the second is the battered women's shelter, and the third
is for education. God has used Mrs. Shin to help over 1,000 battered women receive counseling, shelter and hope.
She does all of this free-of-charge. She has also been instrumental in training hundreds in biblical counseling,
having translated the biblical counseling materials she received from IBCD into Korean. The center now employs
9 full-time counselors, 20 volunteers and 14 volunteer lawyers.
Changing Lives in An Entire Nation
God has also used Mrs. Shin to impact her entire nation. Working with other counseling centers across the country,
she spearheaded an initiative to outlaw domestic violence - and on July 1, 1998, her initiative became law.
It is no longer legal to abuse your spouse in South Korea, and those who do so must face punishment and go through
counseling, frequently at the Pusan Women's Shelter. Although spousal abuse is still culturally accepted in South
Korea, Mrs. Shin and other biblically oriented Christians are working hard to change the hearts of the people.
Uncompromising Love and Devotion
When Mrs. Shin came to America to receive her training, she worked 8 hours a day from January to April to complete
all the courses, desperately striving to comprehend and assimilate the teaching -- which was in English, a language
foreign to her. She came to recognize that the truths that were affecting her life were too important and precious
to keep to herself. She knew that she had to return to her home, her church and her country, to serve the Lord
in changing people's lives. She had no idea how God would use one woman's dedication and sacrifice; only in heaven
will she learn the true impact of her ministry.
God's Call to You
Even though you might not be able to study every day for four months, perhaps He is calling you to begin your training. Please take time now to peruse the course schedule. Ask the Lord to grant you love and compassion for those around you. Like Mrs. Shin, one woman who was willing to serve, God can use you in His vineyard. Will you answer His call?
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(The following is a semi-fictional compilation of various experiences of Christian leaders.)
It happened again. Another Pastor has fallen. This time though it wasn't a liberal or a flaky Television preacher.
It was a man of sound doctrine with over 20 years of faithful ministry; a man whose godliness, giftedness, and
soundness of doctrine was widely recognized. Tragically he has been disqualified for ministry. The sheep whom he
served are wounded and confused. Some now feel betrayed by a man who was father and a brother to them. Their faith
has been shaken. Others are angry at the other leaders for how they handled the problem. Couldn't they have shown
more compassion to a man who had served them so faithfully for so long? On the other hand, jealous husband(s) and
others may think that he got off too easy. How could he have abused his trust in this way! There is concern that
the church may not be able to complete the building program begun under his leadership. There is even concern that
the body to which he devoted his life will be divided. He was a man who contended for sound doctrine. He was a
mentor who guided many young pastors. Now he has fallen. Tell it not in Gath lest the enemies of truth rejoice!
This man whose whole life has been ministry faces great challenges. How will he support his family since he has
few marketable skills? Where will he go to church? What role will he play? How can he face his wife and children
after what he has done? They too must live with the consequences of what he has done. How did it happen? Where
did he go wrong? How can you and I avoid following in his tragic footsteps?
You may be surprised to know that he didn't actually commit adultery. You may also be surprised to know that he
is very happy in his marriage. He was not looking for sexual excitement or fulfillment. He simply fell into "The
Tenderness Trap." He got too emotionally involved with women he was counselling. In so doing he crossed some
lines and is no longer above reproach. Ruinous sin often comes about as the culmination of a process (James 1:14-15).
I would like to help you to avoid taking even the first step.
Falling into the Tenderness Trap
How it Started.
We are not talking about a situation in which the counselee or the counselor began with wicked motives (Prov. 7:6ff).
Instead, we are dealing with people who began with good intentions and wound up with disaster. Most of those who
come for pastoral counseling are women. Most of these women are having problems in their marriages. In most cases
the woman is seeking help from her Pastor that she might know how to better please God. The Pastor/Counselor wants
to faithfully minister the Word to her. He has probably taken precautions to avoid the appearance of evil or temptation
(i.e. Open doors, Secretary nearby etc.). Still they are facing a situation filled with danger. Her husband doesn't
have time for her and won't listen to her. The Pastor patiently and tenderly listens to her problems and expresses
concern and compassion. He is the spiritual leader the husband has never been. In their sessions together she is
finding genuine help from the encouragement he is giving her from the Scriptures. She seems to be drawing closer
to the Lord. The Pastor is gaining a sense of fulfillment from this success in ministry (after having seen all
too many "failures").
Danger Signs.
As the counselling relationship progresses both the counselor and counselee may begin to have thoughts
which should have warned them before it was too late. She may be tempted to think, "If only my husband were
a spiritual leader like him," or "I wish that I had married a man like this, who cares about my feelings."
Of course if the counselor/Pastor were ever to become involved with her, all that initially attracted her to him
would no longer be true. The Pastor for his part may find that he enjoys having a woman so dependant upon him for
advice and support. He is meeting her emotional needs. He is protective of her. He finds himself looking forward
to their meetings. He might realize that he is having more intimate conversation with her than with his wife. Neither
the Pastor nor the counselee has any intention of moving towards a romantic relationship, but bonding is taken
place. By now, the thought of emotional involvement has probably occurred to one or both of them. They may both
be intrigued by the male/female electricity of their friendship (thus far "low voltage"). To the degree
that they recognize this temptation, these thoughts are quickly put aside, perhaps with a prayer of confession
asking for strength. The Pastor just figures that this is a way that Satan is tempting him and that he needs to
be strong. After all, counselling women is part of his job as an undershepherd in God's flock. The woman trusts
her Pastor as a man of God. She couldn't imagine that anything inappropriate could happen.
Lines Crossed.
At some point a line is crossed and one of them realizes that they have gone too far. Perhaps the Pastor finds
himself violating some his own rules - i.e. meeting with her without anyone else in the office; or not telling
his wife everything he should about the length, content, and frequency of their meetings; or physical contact (a
hug or holding hands) which is outwardly supposed to be brotherly - yet they experience mixed emotions. They are
enjoying the attention, attraction, and emotional involvement. Now the Pastor is finally getting worried. He realizes
that he has gone too far, but the price of corrective action seems too high. If he goes to his fellow Elders and
confesses his fault, he could experience terrible embarrassment. They might make a mountain out of a molehill.
What if her husband gets upset or others in the church learn about this? Gossips would have a field day and his
ministry could be ruined. Those inside or outside of the church who have been seeking an opportunity to bring him
down would have their chance. If he were to tell his wife, she would be deeply hurt. She could also misunderstand
and think that there was something wrong with her. So the Pastor rationalizes: Perhaps what he is doing isn't so
bad after all. He is still preaching powerfully. Things seem to be going smoothly enough at home. God must not
think that he is wrong, or he and the church wouldn't be so blessed. New members are coming. New ministries are
being established. Why rock the boat? After all he hasn't actually committed adultery. He is a strong Christian
leader. He can keep the situation under control without involving or upsetting others.
A Ministry Ruined.
If one keeps playing with fire, sooner or later he will get burned - When lust has conceived, it gives birth to
sin; and when sin is accomplished it brings forth death (James 1:15). Perhaps the "brotherly" hug or
pat on the back is followed by a short kiss and then a longer one, or touching which is clearly more than "brotherly".
Why didn't one of them stop it when this happened? While up to this point both of them were outwardly treating
their relationship as purely pastoral, the emotional intimacy they had developed led very naturally to what happened.
While both of them may have been shocked on one level, it seemed very natural on another. What happens next can
vary. Many will go on to commit adultery. Some will still not cross the adultery line, but will continue taking
fire into their bosom (Prov. 6:27). The great majority will not stop until they are caught. A few will finally
turn themselves in. All will suffer greatly, and will watch others suffer as a consequence of their sin.
Avoiding the Tenderness Trap
How can you avoid falling into the tenderness trap? I have found several principles to be essential.
Don't Trust Yourself.
Some men will say, "This could never happen to me." Such a man will talk about
how happy and fulfilled he is in his marriage. Furthermore, he knows that he is strong. He has never felt attracted
to any members of his congregation or come close to crossing any lines in counselling relationships. Some men are
confident that they are safe because of their older age or mediocre looks. Paul says Let him who thinks he stands
take heed lest he fall (I Cor. 10:12). A friend reminded me that women are most prone to fall for the tender caring
men who know how to speak words of kindness. Many good (and even unattractive) men have fallen who never imagined
that it could happen to them. Also, remember that you make your way down the road to ruin one step at a time. Satan
knows that he probably cannot tempt you to immediately fall into adultery, so he is patient to bring you to that
point little by little.
Make Strict Rules.
Some suggested rules include:
- A. Do not meet alone with a female counselee if you are not visible to others (i.e. door open).
B. Do not talk about the physical relationship in marriage without the husband present.
C. Do not touch a female counselee in a counselling session. I have had women weep in my office, even to the point of collapse. I keep my desk between myself and them no matter what. If she needs a hug, I'll call another woman from the church to take care of her. If she tries to touch you, quickly pull away and make it clear that this just isn't done.
Explain these rules to your counselees.
Tell them that you are not making these rules because you don't trust her
or because she can't trust you, but rather your concern is that both of you will be above reproach. Apply your
rules uniformly (i.e. don't make exceptions for unattractive women!).
If you find yourself wanting to bend or break the rules take it as a warning sign and immediately go to your fellow
Elders and your spouse.
Respect her Marriage Relationship.
When you are counselling a married woman, you need to remember that she is under
her husband's authority. You do not want to undermine that relationship. Ordinarily, if a woman is having problems
with her marriage, her husband should also be there for counselling. It is not right to talk about his sins without
him present. Ordinarily you should not meet with a woman without her husband's knowledge and approval (an exception
might be if the husband is an unbeliever). The exceptional cases should be treated with the greatest caution. One
Pastor whom I respect will not meet more than twice with a woman without her husband present.
Get Other Women Involved in Counselling Women.
Titus 2:3-5 states that older women are uniquely qualified to help younger women to be godly wives and mothers.
In many ways they may be better able to address many problems than you are. My recent practice has been to meet
with a woman a couple of times and then to put her with a more mature woman in an intense counselling/discipleship
relationship under my supervision. This eliminates many of the problems which could occur in a male/female counselling
situation. Many of us lack such older women in our churches. In addition to praying for God to raise up such ladies,
we must select some women with potential and train them (for example through the CCEF Introductory Course Videos).
(Also see "Why Women Should Counsel Women" by Elyse Fitzpatrick, from the CCEF San Diego Summer Institute
of Biblical Counseling, 1994.)
Remain Accountable.
Keep your wife and your fellow Elders aware of your counselling appointments, and the general
subject matter of our meetings. Within that circle absolute confidentiality must be maintained; however, your marriage
is more important than a woman's privacy. If she is unwilling to agree to this condition, do not meet with her.
If you are experiencing any "warning signs" or if you fear that you may have crossed some lines tell
your fellow Elders immediately (II Tim. 2:22). Seek and submit to their counsel. Entrust yourself to the Lord through
them. It is much easier to snuff out a small flame than to fight a raging forest fire. I know of more than one
Pastor who when he started to feel tempted or attracted immediately made himself strictly accountable to others
and the situation was diffused before disaster struck. If there is any question in your mind, seek accountability!
Remember how deceitful the heart is (Prov. 14:12). One of the great dangers many Pastors face is that they are
on such a pedestal that they don't have any peers (equals) in the church in whom they feel that they can safely
confide. Such a lofty perch is a precarious one.
Advice to Those Who Have Fallen
The great majority of men continue in sin until they are caught (busted). Usually when the Pastor is initially
confronted there is either denial or minimization. "I'm just a man." "We didn't actually commit
adultery." "Everyone deserves a second chance." "I'll never do it again." Usually he is
concerned with keeping the matter as private as possible in order to protect himself, his family, and the church.
I hold very little hope for the restoration of the man who persistently violated his conscience and had to be caught
and proven guilty before he would "repent". It is hard to believe that the "repentance" shown
at this point is any more than preservation of pride, livelihood, and reputation.
If you have acted inappropriately, the best thing you can do is to confess your sin to your fellow leaders, the
church, and your spouse and accept the consequences. Submit to whatever discipline your fellow leaders impose upon
you. Warn others against the same sins. Willingly relinquish your office and find a way to honorably support your
family. Don't expect to be restored to office or paid ministry in the future. Take comfort in God's forgiveness
(Psalm 51). God has still worked to bear fruit through you in the past in spite of your sin. God will use you in
new ways in the future.
Advice to Fellow Leaders
Deal with your fallen brother with both firmness and love. While many may be concerned for the parties involved
in the sin, you too are going through a traumatic time of awful heartache. Realize that your actions will most
likely bring great criticism upon you from members of the congregation - some will think you are too strict, others
will be upset because you were too lenient. You may be tempted to disclose less than the whole truth out of compassion
for those who sinned. The only way to avoid problems of gossip and false accusations against you (alleging harshness,
is to fully lay out the charges (I Tim. 5:20). If the fallen brother is willing to submit to discipline, it may
be appropriate for the Elders to help provide financially for his transition to "secular work". Also,
they should offer ongoing counsel and accountability which will hopefully lead to his restoration to usefulness
(but not office).
You will also need to help the others who have been affected. Those who have sinned must confess and seek forgiveness
from those who have been wronged (spouses, children, church at large). The woman and the other family members involved
will also need counsel. Finally, the church at large will have great needs. Those who have trusted and loved their
Pastor may be terribly disillusioned. They should be reminded that only Christ is sinless. The fact that their
leader has fallen does not negate the benefits they received from his ministry in the past. They should be encouraged
to look to the Lord as our Perfect Head and Example, and to watch themselves.
One final piece of advice: When time comes to hire a new Pastor seek to practice genuine plural leadership and
mutual accountability, rather than putting him on a dangerous pedestal.
A Final Word to Those Who Haven't Fallen
What is your goal in ministry? Do you want to have a big church? Do you want to have a reputation as a great preacher?
My goal is that when my life and ministry are ending that I can say with Paul, I have fought the good fight, I
have finished the course, I have kept the faith (II Tim. 4:7). I want to arrive at the finish line without having
been disqualified (I Cor. 9:27). Regardless of the size and scope of my life's work, I want to be found faithful
at the end - that I have not done anything to bring hurt and disgrace upon the Name of the Lord and His church.