Counseling Those Habituated to Cybersex 

by Jim Newheiser

IBCD recently received a request for help from a woman whose husband was interested in cybersex. Here's the answer that pastor and counselor, Jim Newheiser sent to her:

Thank you for sending your question about your husband's interest in cybersex. Please look up the verses that I use in my answer because the only authority I have is from the Word of God.

This problem can only be understood in light of God's design for marriage and sex.Marriage is a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman. The sexual union between a husband and wife is a seal of that covenant, an expression of their oneness (Gen. 2:24). They are to find delight in one another (Pro. 5:18-19; S. of S. 1:2, 13-16; 7:1-10; 4:1-7; 5:10-16; Heb. 13:4).

God's intent is that all of a person's sexual energy be directed to his/her spouse. The husband's body is not his own, but belongs to his wife and his body and sexual energy is to be used not primarily to seek self-gratification, but to bring happiness to his wife (1 Cor 7:4). The only female body he is to find delight in is that of his wife. Job made a "covenant with his eyes" not even to look at another woman.

Jesus teaches that lust is adulterous (Matt. 5:27-28). This is because it is the expression of sexual energy outside of marriage. It is a violation of the marriage covenant. It is the use of one's sexuality for self-gratification, rather than for the gratification of one's wife. Even through pornography or cybersex it is bringing others (two-dimensional prostitutes) into the marriage bed. The human heart is so deceitful it tries to justify every kind of evil.Your husband is deceived if he thinks that he can engage in this kind of sin without consequence. Sexual sin affects many relationships: 1) It affects your husband's relationship with God (Ps. 51:4; 32:3-4; 1Cor 6:15-20). Sin breaks fellowship with God. Sexual sin is PRIMARILY against God (even more than the wife.) 2) It affects his relationship with you. He violates the marriage covenant and defrauds (robs) you of your right to be the object of all his sexual attention. It also affects his attitude towards sex: creating unrealistic fantasies and causing him to look upon his wife as a means of gaining self-gratification, rather than seeking to express his lifelong love to her. It demeans and breaks trust. 3) It affects his children, who may be influenced by his lack of moral leadership. 4) It will affect him personally: making him miserable (Ps. 32:3-4), and most likely leading to other sin (James 1:14-15). Sin conceived gives birth to death. Sin is never satisfied, it always wants more and more. Ultimately, it will lead to discipline/judgment from God (Pr. 6:25-35; 5:21-23; 7:22-27; Num. 32:23; 1 Cor. 6:9-10).

You did not tell me whether your husband is a Christian. If he is, you should initiate the process in Matthew 18:15-18. Confront him with his actions and the Word of God. You should go gently with the motive of helping to restore him (not to vent your own frustration: Gal. 6:1-2). If he is repentant, I believe that he should seek help/accountability from a godly man (preferably a leader in your church.) He may need to take radical steps in order to avoid temptation (Matt. 5:29-20; Rom. 13:14; 2 Tim 2:22). Such steps could include cutting off the internet, or installing a filter of some kind. In addition to "putting off" lust, he should also "put on" investing in your marriage relationship (including the romantic and sexual aspects). See Proverbs 5:7-23. A man should find sweetness in drinking from his own well. You, as his wife, should seek to bring your husband happiness in every area of your marriage.

If your husband claims to be a Christian, but will not repent, then you should go to the leaders of your church who should accompany you as you confront him again (Matt. 18:16).

If your husband is not a believer, you still should confront him with his violations of your marriage covenant. If he will not listen to you, seek personal counsel from the leaders of your church.