Fear and the Mercies of God

The phone rang on January 2007, with news from my doctor, telling me they had found the source of my headaches and dizziness. The MRI showed that I had something called Chiari One. This is a malformation in the back of the skull, which allows the brain to sag into the spinal canal, impeding the flow of spinal fluid to and from the brain. This was very hard to hear. I was in denial for a long time, thinking it would somehow go away, or if I argued with the doctor enough she would come up with a different diagnosis. At that time I was a strong woman, teaching 15 classes a week at the gym, home-schooling, counseling, and maintaining a home for my family. In His grace, the Lord was choosing to take me down a road that I would have never chosen for myself, to show me the hope of His glory and His character. The following is something I wrote within the first year of finding out my diagnosis, and it is a testimony to God's goodness and faithfulness:

Yesterday was not a good "health related" day for me. I woke up feeling wonderful, having had a good night sleep without any interruptions. Yet, in the afternoon I started feeling dizzy, really dizzy. I went and laid down, thinking that it would follow its traditional path, and I wouldn't be in bed for more than an hour. An hour passed, so I started saying my "ABC's of God's character". You know, some people "count sheep" to relax, I count God's character through the ABC's. Goes something like this: “A” is for Almighty, All together beautiful, Alpha and Omega. “B” is for Beautiful, Beloved, Beyond my understanding. I was enjoying my time with the Lord, and in His kindness, He brought a song to my mind with a verse that says, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end". I sang that song in my mind for a bit and then I noticed a headache coming on pretty strong. I thought to myself, "This is unusual; dizziness usually doesn't normally run into a headache, this is not its typical pattern. I wonder if I'll be able to get anything done today? I wonder how long this will last? What about home schooling?

What if I'm in the mall when this happens, what if I'm at church, what if I'm driving? What if I become a burden to my husband?"

See where the mind goes so quickly? I went from my ABC's of God's character and singing a praise song, to running down the "what if" road. As I was running down that road in my mind, I met up with my old friend "Fear". I don't call him a friend because he is good to me, but because I've been asking him over a lot lately and entertaining him. As I was dancing around with "Fear" in my mind, in walked "Mercy" and He spoke these words to my soul,"Daughter, My grace is sufficient for you." Those words captivated my attention. The brilliance of "Mercy" was so all consuming, its light shone on "Fear" and uncovered him for the liar he is. As I lay in bed, with a pillow over my eyes to block out the light, I danced around with my new partner, "Mercy." These are a few truths God reminded me of as I lay there for another few hours:

1. When I went down that "what if" road, I went searching and looking for "fear". Yet, "Mercy" came looking for me. I'm unfaithful, yet He is faithful.

2. I had no business on that road. The "what if" in life belongs to God alone, and I do not have the grace for what I believe or imagine to be my future. This seems to be an important part of what God has been working in my heart this past year. His grace is sufficient for today, and His grace will be sufficient for tomorrow and five years from now, but only when that day comes. He has taught me to say in my spirit, "I have not been given the grace for that yet," when I am tempted to walk down that road and meet up with fear.

God was kind in meeting me and speaking these truths to my soul, "Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this matter, that it should leave me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness’” (2 Cor. 12:8-9). I pray that I would remember those words spoken so long ago to bring comfort to Paul's heart and give him a greater understanding of why we suffer. I pray that I, too, with Paul would say, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."(2 Cor. 12:9-10).

It is now January 2010, and as I sit here writing this, I wish I could say things have gotten better. In fact, things have gotten worse. Do you ever look in the mirror and not recognize yourself? I feel like the person I was is dead, and there is this new person looking at me in the mirror. I may not have the physical qualities that I once had, and I may not be able to do as much, or serve as much as I use to, but there is this woman staring back at me. She is a woman who loves her Savior, who finally understands that because she is united with Christ, His perfect record covers her. I’m looking at that woman, realizing that had God not put me on this unfamiliar and uncomfortable road, I would not be displaying His glory, His suffering, and His victory. Christ lived His humanity perfectly, so that I could stand in His place and be covered by His perfection. I’m just a sinner, drenched by His grace, and I will continue to look for the future hope of His return. But we see it dimly now, don’t we? It’s like we are looking through glasses that are broken, yet we are stretching our necks out to see this future good (like those at home waiting for their love ones to return). The hope is, He is coming to take home His bride, and until that time He has sealed us with the Holy Spirit.  These truths are too glorious for me to comprehend, but let’s sit here for a while and contemplate them. I encourage you to join me in meditating upon these God-breathed words, asking the Spirit to enlighten your heart, so they may become your own.